Stay at Home

This week was tough. Ryan went back to work on Monday, which means that this was the first week that I had to take care of Artie alone. 

He was pretty fussy, especially in the mornings, and infuriatingly resistant to naps. I was tired and hungry (it’s difficult finding the time to eat when you have a screaming baby). And I felt imposter complex like I had never felt before.

I think what was particularly difficult for me, on a mental level, was knowing that this is going to be my life for the foreseeable future. I know that sounds horrible. I feel like a horrible mother saying it.

But I was faced with the reality that, given our circumstances, it just makes logistical and financial sense for me to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. I even emailed the interior designer I was working for to say that I really didn’t know when I’d be able to come back, and that I’d understand if she needed to find someone else.

What makes this so hard is that for the longest time, this was the opposite of what our plan was. When Ryan and I first started trying to have kids, I was still working full-time, and I was the breadwinner. And we often talked about how Ryan might be a stay-at-home dad. 

But that’s not how it panned out. I ended up finally getting pregnant during this sabbatical, when we rely on Ryan’s income.

Yes, I could eventually decide to just go back to work full time. Find another high-paying job that would allow us to afford daycare. But it seems like to do that without figuring out what I’m passionate about would be a waste of this sabbatical.

These are all the thoughts that have been going through my exhausted, overwhelmed, anxiety-riddled brain this week.

But you know something else? Each day was a little easier than the last. And by the end of the week, I was a lot more confident than I was on Monday. 

I’m still tired. I’m still unsure of myself. I still worry about the future. But I’m just trying to get through it, one day at a time.