As I’ve talked about before, I have a long, complicated history with writing. There have been many times throughout my life when I have been made to feel that writing just ‘wasn’t for me’.
But ones of the best things about this sabbatical — and particularly keeping up this blog — has been reclaiming my identity as a writer.
In addition to this blog, I’ve been playing around with some creative writing, so I want to share a little of that in this post, with my piece I Want.
I want to go to a cabin. In the middle of nowhere. By myself. Basking in the silence. And cry. And scream into the ether. And cry some more.
I want someone to hug me. Tight. Without saying a word. One of those hugs that lasts just a little longer than ‘normal’, where before you know it, you are no longer being hugged but being held. And there we are, in silent embrace, remembering what it’s like to be touched again.
I want to make plans. Remember making plans?
I want to be able to dream about the future again.
I want to go to Paris and sit at one of those sidewalk cafe tables, with my coffee and croissant, and just watch people.
I want to believe in human beings again.
I want to believe in humanity.
I want to hope again.
I want to not be so tired anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
Sometimes I think I must already be sleeping, stuck in an endless dream, and I need to wake up.
I need to wake up.
I want to take in deep breaths of cool, fresh air. Big gulps of it. I want to fill my lungs with the coolest, freshest air and feel it spread throughout my body.
I want to feel free.
I want to stop waiting for someone — or something — to save me. I want to find the resilience and confidence to save myself.
I want to trust myself again.
I want to stop being afraid.
I want to have clarity.
I want to know what I’m doing is right. If for no one else, at least right for me.
I want to not hurt anymore. To be hurt. To cause hurt. I’ve hurt for so long and inflicted hurt so profoundly, I’m not sure I remember how to live without hurting.
I want to find stillness. In my head. In my heart.
I want to find peace.
I want to believe I deserve peace.
And then I want to discover that peace belongs to anyone who opens their arms to it.
I want … to know how to finish this.
How do I finish this?
When is it finished?
Is it finished?
This piece is can also be found on my Medium account, where I will be publishing more of my creative writing. If you liked what you read, please give me a follow on Medium.